I like dumb pop-punk songs, mostly from the early 2000s. Addicted? Hell yes. Fat lip? Definitely one of my favorite songs. I can still enjoy All The Small Things even through all of it's overplay. Music like this was like the chicken nuggets of music to me. They didn't take much skill to make, but I feel like I would enjoy a diet of just that for days on end. I still can. But now that I'm older, I can see things with a different lens. So why Girl All The Bad Guys Want? Well, I can't tell if it's being ironic or not.

Hear me out. What's it about? It's fairly straightforward. It's about a kid who is not cool who's attracted to a girl who is cool. We'll dive more into that later, but that's the premise. It's simple enough, something relateable. Well, I related to it, whenever I heard it. Yeah, I was like that. Nerdy weird kid that was certainly attracted to girls who seemed cool.

Okay, well, maybe not quite as much as this kid. Jumping into the chorus, it seems like he's obsessed with this girl. So much that he feels suicidal that she's not into him. Or at least maybe, it seems like he's going to talk with her, right? At 8 o'clock? That's a commitment. She's obviously interested or he would have never scheduled this phone call. But no, he's just that much in love with her. Why?

--she's a rocker with a nose ring--

Okay, I mean, I guess if that's your thing, but I don't think that's enough to warrant love. What else?

-- she where's a two-way but i'm not quite sure--

Uhhh, if someone wears something that you don't know what it is, why does that attract you? If I told you I wear a anorak, does that excite you? Well it shouldn't cause it's just a jacket. Anything else? Anything that would actually cause excitement or reason to be in love?

-- and when she walks... --

Okay, that's pretty legitimate. This girl might just actually be Jesus Christ. But it does remind me of another song...

-- Trumpets (is it weird that i hear angels everytime you moan) --

So basically you just like her cause she's hot. You like her so much, you want to shoot yourself. But okay, that's obviously being hyperbolic. What else do you have to say? Do you have anything in common?

-- godsmack vs agent orange --
Okay, so probably not going to any concerts together.

-- her cd changes full of singers --
The way you say it makes her sound very lame. It almost sounds like you think your music is more credible than hers. It's like

-- listenin to rap metal--
All right, I'm pretty sure people are gonna give you credit for music tastes. I think the general census, or at least people on the internet will give you more credit for being a fan of early surf-punk than being a fan of Linkin Park. But that's just some people.

I think the song gets weird when he proclaims what she likes.

-- She likes em with a mustache, race track season pass... --
Is this the same girl? I mean, people can have wide interests, but I feel like the kind of person that listens to this -- chop suey -- is not gonna be the kind of person that looks like this. And what's even weirder is when he drops this line:

-- She'll never know that I'm the best that she'll never have --
Okay, why? What do you have that's so great that she'll never get? Is it cause you're such a nice guy? And all the guys that want her are bad guys? What, are you jealous you can't grow a moustache?

-- I can't grow a mustache --
Uhhh, okay, so you are. Listen, man, I can't grow a mustache either. It's not so bad. You know who else can't? Keanu Reeves. And he's a badass! C'mon, man! It's not so bad! I'm sure you have things that people would really enjoy!

 --All I got's a moped--
Uhhhh have you heard Macklemore's latest big hit? Having a moped officially makes you cooler than everyone else in this entire song. The girl, the bad guys, Godsmack, you are officially better than all of them.

Your biggest problem isn't that you can't grow a mustache or that you don't like rap metal. You wanna know what your biggest problem is?

-- Now I'm watching wrestling --
You're trying to be something you're not. And that's not even so bad. Everyone should try new things, at least to discover that they don't like them. What makes it worse is proclaiming that you're the best that she'll never have. Somehow, having only one redeeming quality that's not even related to who you are as a person makes you more deserving than all the bad guys.

Ohhh, I see. I get it now. You can't grow a mustache, can you? Cause all you can grow is a neckbeard?

This song reminds me of "Kristina Doesn't Know I Exist" by Catch-22, a song about a guy that's too shy to talk or even look at a girl in the eyes, and when he sees she has a boyfriend he acts all high and mighty.

The difference is that I'm fairly sure that song was ironic. This one? I'm not so sure. This is a song written by the same people who made "Shut Up and Smile," which parrots this line many times over:

--All we need is some ice cream and a hug--
And I really enjoy that song! It's upbeat, it's poppy. I mean, yeah, it's pretty dumb, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it. But this one? Is it a song condemning people trying to be something you're not to get a partner that has no reason to like you? And past that feeling superior to them? Or is it just an experience that the songwriter had. Or just something he saw, who knows.

Bottom line, the biggest problem is that in making something that can relate this kind of person, it further perpetuates this ideology. The sort of person who brags about how they don't watch sports kind of person. The kind of person who would be too afraid to volunteer to help someone and then would find satisfaction knowing that the person is worse off having not called on you for help. And I would know cause I used to be this asshole.

Who knows if this is what Mr. Soup was going for. Something tells me it's not. But if it was, hey, good on you for making a very simple song with a surprisingly intelligent theme. And if not, well, I hope you've grown up some in the past 14 years.