Nothing media about this, but felt the need to put this all somewhere and didn't want to make something new for this one reason.
It's 2 AM. I can't sleep. This isn't a new issue. This issue happens three or four out of the seven nights in a week. I can't blame it on anything else but myself though. I couldn't stay awake during the day, and now I'm suffering for it. I could have done something to keep myself occupied, but instead I collapsed on my bed and passed out of consciousness for some time. And now I'm here.
Could I indulge in the nightlife I so often find myself in? Yeah, I guess, but I haven't figured out not to climb in bed an hour or two before I'm ready to sleep. But more so it's a lack of things to occupy my time. I feel that the day has reached a close, that I should just climb into bed and sleep the night away. Sleep feels like the next logical progression.
But it's not. Often it's not.
I'll sit in bed checking things on my phone hoping that I can stay occupied until my eyes stop reading. When that doesn't happen, I'll convince myself that it's time, put my phone down and close my eyes. They'll stay closed for minutes until I open them with ease, seemingly unaware of the goal I'm trying to achieve. My body does not function in ways I'd like it to.
And so why is it such a big deal? Why does this make me miserable? Is it anxiety of a lack of sleep for the morning? Is it fear that this horrendous "sleep schedule" is actually harmful to me in some way?
No, it's not. It's nothing like that. I think of the song Car Radio by Twenty-One Pilots. In silence, we have to confront our thoughts, there's nothing to distract us from the things we don't know about, the things we're anxious about. Lying in bed, not only am I saddened by the lack of anything worthwhile coming out of my lazy ass during the time, it's an appropriate reflection of what I do during the day. During the day, I don't do anything particularly productive and then eventually the next day happens. I don't like that. Just as I don't like that I sleep during the day and it prevents me from sleeping at night, I don't like that my avoidance of work and obligations lead me to such an empty life.
At 2 o'clock in the morning, there's nobody to talk to, nobody to share your time with, or rather, nobody to occupy me until I can sleep. Loneliness is ever apparent and it makes me question loneliness during the day as well. Not that I'd tell anybody.
So what's there to take away from all this?
It's 2 o'clock in the morning. This sucks.
