Thursday, October 31st 2019
House Votes in Approval of Kickball at the Court
Thursday Afternoon, the U.S. House of Representatives voted 232-196 in favor of the resolution implementing the use of a ball-kicking machine in conjunction with a lie detector during testimonies in federal court. The machine looks like a catapult with a shoe at the end, and accelerates upwards to 30 mph in 2 seconds into the junk of the defendant.
The vote was split mostly along party lines with 2 Democrats voting against the measure and 0 Republicans voting for the measure.
Freshman Democrat Jahana Hayes from Connecticut's 5th district is pleased with the outcome. "I'm glad to see that the people of this nation will see justice returning to these courtrooms. The people demand the truth, and the people are really into kicking other people in the balls."
Mississippi Republican Jason Smith voted against the measure along the grounds that they are out of budget and a waste of resources. When asked if he would testify in front of the approved machines, he stated fearlessly: "Not only am I certain the machine would never detect a lie and, thus, never kick me in the balls, my balls are also so tough that I would not feel a thing, rendering the machine useless."
The houses next measure will occur on Friday for a resolution to publicly acknowledge a growing "South-est Dakota."
